The passing of my brother

A powerful quote that was sent to me today. A friend sent it to me because she knows I like to read comforting quotes. Instantly what came to mind when I read it was the passing of my brother. Perhaps this is something I must put in writing, something I must address, so here goes.

"Sometimes, when one person is absent, the whole world seems depopulated"
---Allphonse de Lamartine

This is how the world seemed to me when my brother passed away in May 1998 at the age of 49. It felt like the air was removed from this planet and that the world was depopulated. One of the most important people in my life was suddenly gone. How do you get past that? I surely did not know on that spring day.

Even now my heart seems to skip a beat and instantly tears well up in my eyes as I think of the moment I heard the terrible news over the phone. There was a part of my soul that was sucked out at that moment and another part was sucked out when I walked into the parlor room at the funeral home and saw my strong, wonderful brother lying there. It seemed to take my breath away.

My brothers are years older than I am and they were in many ways more of parental figures than brothers. He was one that I knew would be there for me no matter what. He had his strong personality which sometimes got on my nerves and we did butt heads at times. He was overly protective and head strong when it came to his beliefs and ideals. But the bottom line is that he had the biggest heart and was one of the most generous people I've ever known and without any doubt in my mind I knew he loved me and I knew he'd always be there by my side no matter what.

His death was particularly hard for me because I didn't feel that it was his time to go. I guess we never think it is the time for our loved one to leave us but I just couldn't imagine that he was only supposed to be on this earth for 49 short years. I couldn't fathom that he wasn't supposed to see his daughters graduate from high school or that he wasn't supposed to walk them down the isle on their wedding day. I still can't believe that it was his time, but as a Christian I know that there are reasons for everything so I have to trust in that faith.

There is a hole in our family, a missing link, a part of us that we cannot replace. We miss him so. I've finally reached a place where I can reflect on the good times in which we shared. He was a very serious man but he had a sense of humor like no one I've ever met before or since. He had a serious sense of humor if you will. That is hard to describe but he could pull off a joke so well because you couldn't tell if he was serious or joking until he had you under the spell of the joke and then released the punch line on you or revealed the trickery. We had such fun together and those are memories I'll always cherish. His special smirky smile that I've never seen on another human being shines in my memory and I hold it close to my heart. When I need to feel he is near, I focus on that smile and gently hear in my soul that soft but strong unique laughter of his. With this, although he is far, he seems close in spirit.