Death?????? UGHHHHHHHHHHH

There has been some discussion recently on a list I moderate about fearing death. I don't give death a lot of thought really. I have the mindset that I'm going to live a long time. I'm not sure if that is realistic or not but that is how my mind works. So dying is not a thought that is on my mind often. However, that isn't to say that I've not thought about it and even worried about it. I have. I have thought about my family and how they would adjust more than anything I guess. I do think sometimes when looking at my grandchild and wonder if I'll live to see them grow up but I try not to dwell on those sort of thoughts because I can't change what is to happen. I have to just live for today. If I worry about dying I'll probably forget to live.

Finding your inner self

Someone asked me today "how do you find your inner self?" This is a question that I can't really answer for someone else because the road I traveled to find my inner self may be a totally different route then someone else must take. In many ways the route I traveled was guided by religion or at least theologian study. I've always had a very keen interest in the different world religions. I like to research them and learn the culture that those who practice those religions live.

Over the years many of my studies have allowed me the opportunity to come across quotes, articles, etc that have helped me to enter deep introspective thought. I have spent many long hours working through my own personal feelings, personal interests and my thoughts on issues important to me as well as topics that have an effect on my daily life. So for me it has been a very personal analytical journey.

I also work very hard to take the time to dwell on my feelings and give them fair and honest consideration. I don't feel it is healthy for me to push what I feel aside. When I am faced with a difficult situation I try to give attention to how I'm coping emotionally. Little by little I just came to know who I really am, how I really think and most of all what I really feel. I think each person has to find something in their life that they enjoy and use that as a tool to delve into their personal thoughts. By doing this we get to know ourselves and most of all we begin to like ourselves and soon are more in tune with who we are.

Birds of a feather...

Hey wait a minute... Just a cottin pickin minute. Didn't a recent President get impeached for a similar act? How come Bush is getting away with it? LOL


-- Crabbiness

2005 comes to a close

As 2005 comes to a close I look back over the last year and although there have been many tough days there also were many days filled with joy and happiness. A lot of water has crossed the bridge so to speak but I'm happy to say that I've not drowned (giggle). When I look back in hindsight it is so easy to see all the things I've went through and it seems so right to say to myself "How did I get through that?" but I did get through it. That fact gives me the will to look forward to the new year and to know that no matter what I'm forced to face I can get thorough it and at the end of 2006 I'll be stronger and a better person because of it. I'll learn something from each experience, I'll gain something from all the adventures and most of all I'm sure to meet many new people and enjoy many wonderful times with all my friends and family. Just like this year, at the end of next year (2006) I'm sure that all the good that I've been blessed to enjoy will by far outweigh the bad. So I'm looking forward to the coming year. I hope every person has a wonderful new year.

What are some of the trendy fads you remember about clothes while you were growing up?

I'd love to read from others the fads they remember from their youth. Hey you may remind me of some I've forgot. When I was a young teen, girls wore a lot of halter tops which were basically a triangle shaped scarf that you tied around your neck and under your breasts. You then wore hip hugger jeans leaving your mid section bare. I also remember a friend and me cutting out triangle sections from the sides of the bottoms of our jeans and then adding strips of material in there to make flared bell bottom pants. These hip hugger jeans are coming back in style I see.

Christmas Day 2005

Christmas Day 2005 will be a very special day. It will be filled with quality time with my family and that makes it more special than anything ever could. Good company and good food. I must admit however that I will be so so so glad that it is over with. I am so tired and I'll need the next couple days just to recuperate.

Now I have to begin thinking forward into the new year. There are always challenges to face in each year of our life and sometimes those challenges are bigger hurdles to jump over than we ever thought we'd have to face. However when I reach a situation that seems impossible to get through I just think back over the years and think about other times that seemed so hard to get through but I did make it through those and I know I can make it through any that I come across in the future.

At the time when we are faced with a difficult situation it is hard for us to look down the road and have faith that we'll get through it. But, when we begin to look back over our life we realize that we've crossed difficult roads before and came through them. This way of redirecting my thoughts truly is helpful to me and assists me in not feeling so overwhelmed by current situations.

My New Years Resolution

My New Years Resolution. In the year 2006 I want to focus more on my health. I need to focus on my health from all angles. I need to lose some weight but I also need to pay attention to my body more and listen to what it is telling me. When it is screaming for rest I must stop pushing myself to keep going and listen to my body and rest.

Many of my bad days are my own fault simply because I don't listen to my body on the days prior. I push, push and push until finally my body says "I can't take no more" and forces me to bed or forces me to spend a day on the couch. I have to stop that and in the coming year that is going to be one of my main goals.

I also want to focus more on my health by trying to do exercises that I'm capable of doing. If I can just spend a few minutes a couple days of the week doing some sort of exercises than surely it is better than doing nothing at all.

I'm also going to focus more on eating healthier. I'm a junk food junkie by choice and that has to change. I love salads and seafood and those if made properly can be very healthy food choices. So I'm going to try and eat a more balanced and healthier diet.

I'm also never going to eat beef again. Well, you should never say never because we can change our mind in the future. But, as I feel right now I don't think I will ever eat beef again. The recent fear here in the U.S. over the Mad Cow Disease really isn't the cause for my change of mind about beef. I think the risk of a human contracting this disease is slim. My reason for the change of heart is due to my watching the film clips on the news which showed these animals with this disease as well as some of the conditions they are kept in. Something just clicked in me and I don't think I could ever eat beef again. I may get over this but as for right now beef is off my diet.

I rarely ate red meat anyway but occasional did get a craving for it and would eat it in spite of the trouble it caused to my tummy. Red meat cramps me terribly and I actually can't eat a large amount of chicken breast either. I am able to tolerate small amounts of chicken pretty well but I can't really tolerate red meat at all. So my new found revolt against eating beef is really good for me.

Share Your Special Day With Us

I'd love to hear from everyone about your holiday. I adore reading from everyone about how they spent the holiday, what they got as gifts and such. We got together this evening for a holiday dinner with family and then tomorrow we are having a nice Christmas day breakfast and opening our gifts here before going to a church service with family at 11am and then will be having dinner later in the afternoon at a family member's home. I look forward to hearing from everyone.

Peace with a Loss over the Holiday

I was thinking a lot today about families who've lost loved ones this past year. It is very tough to get through the first major holiday without your loved one. My brother who died in 98 was a mortician and I remember that their funeral home had a policy that they didn't put holiday greetings out in the public areas because it didn't seem proper to make such happy greetings to families which were grieving. With this thought, I realize that it is hard to know how to react to friends during these times when they've lost someone close. We want to wish them a happy holiday season but by the same token, we know that just the fact that it is the holiday season makes their loss all the more painful. I know that most people try to get through the holidays as best they can, especially if they have small children but my heart really aches for them. It must even be worse when there is a loss right before Christmas. My father suddenly died on December 2nd. That was so hard on the family. My heart goes out to those who are grieving over a loss and I hope that the holiday season somehow can bring them peace.

Only A Few More Days...

Only a few days before the arrival of Santa. As an adult some of the excitement of Christmas had worn off but with grandchildren now adorning our lives we are beginning to see a lot of that excitement return. It is so wonderful to be able to witness a visit from Santa through the eyes of such little sweet angels. My granddaughter is such a bubbly child with so much energy and excitement so we know that when she arrives she'll be overjoyed with anticipation of the whole holiday affair. Just to be blessed with the opportunity to watch the joy in their eyes is the best gift ever.

Bill O'Reilly... No Spin Zone? Yea Right!

I admit to watching Bill O'Reilly on Fox news often and even finding his show entertaining. However, for him to claim that no spin goes on during his show or that it is fair and balanced is almost laughable. He spins issues so far right that if it spinned any further it would fly right through the television into our living rooms. As for fairness and balance... well if you call talking over your guest and shouting them down with your own opinions fair and balance... well ok LOL. Don't get me wrong, I agree that there are shows which favor both sides of the political spectrum. I just wish they'd be honest and present themselves exactly for what they are.

Haloscan Installed... OOps on previous comments

Hmmmm I installed Haloscan moments ago for my commenting option to this blog and I do like it but just noticed that it didn't incorporate any comments made to any of my posts prior to the installation. It wiped comments clean. Sooooooooo that means if you commented on any posts here then you'll need to go do it again. WOW it didn't tell me that in the info pages lol.

Those Left Behind - Patriotism

A small child joins her parents and other siblings to a bus station where they are saying goodbye to her brother who had joined the Army. This little girl looked up to her older brother and loved him so much. She didn't understand anything more than that he was going on a trip that the President said he had to go on. The bus pulled up and it was time for him to leave when he picked up the little girl in his arms and said to her... "Don't cry... give me a hug but save the kiss for when I get back because I'm going to need it." She reached out to her lips as if she was capturing a kiss and then pretended to tuck it in her pocket and said "I'll keep it just for you." Time passed as the brother was gone and the little girl listened intently as her mother read his letters to the family where he always said to tell his little sister hello and not to give that kiss to anybody as he was looking forward to getting it from her when he came home. She always giggled and went on her merry way playing as a young child would.

One day as she was playing with her barbie dolls in the front living room a knock came to the screen door and she looked up to see men in suits and they asked through the screen if her mom or dad was home. She yelled for her mother who was in the Kitchen making dinner and her brother came from the hallway and immediately at the mere site of these men they began to weep. The little girl didn't understand and was quickly whisked away by another sibling to a nearby bedroom. Later she was told that her brother had been killed in Vietnam. She didn't understand why he wouldn't be coming home.

At the funeral home during the wake the little girl is escorted into the room by two other brothers. She holds on tightly to their hands as she had never seen anything like this and then she looks ahead and notices the coffin holding the body of her brother who she so adored. At the time she didn't know why but the upper half of the coffin was open but there was a bubble of plexiglass limiting access to the body. She looked so seriously up to her brothers as she gripped their hand and quietly said... "How am I going to give him his kiss with that glass there?" The brothers burst into tears...

This little girl was me. My brother at the age of 19 joined the Army even though if he'd honestly told the people doing the physical about his asthma attacks he'd been excused from duty. My mother did everything to talk him into this but he said no that he was going to go and was not going to be one of those to get out of his duty to this country. A few short months later when two infantry units came across a mine field the commanders of each had a map which was supposed to guide them to safety on the other side but the maps had several differences so they asked for a volunteer from each unit to use their map to cross. My brother volunteered but didn't make it to safety. His death however allowed for the safe crossing of the remainder of both units.

My brother didn't get to ever get my kiss but far worse he never got to live the life he deserved. He never got to marry and for all I know never even enjoyed sex with someone he cherished. He has missed so much and I have missed him more than I could ever express. So for anyone to call into question my patriotism when I have serious problems with this administration's policies or the war in Iraq should be ashamed of themselves. I have the right to question the government of this land............... My brother died to give me that right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old Testament Discoveries

For many years it has been known that there are events noted in the Old Testament of the Bible that had not been mentioned in other historical recordings. The Old Testament stood alone as the evidence that those events truly took place. In many cases the records of these events were criticized by some of our well known skeptics of the scripture. Publicly they stated how untrue the scripture must be to be the only place such an event was recorded. Now there have been archeological discoveries in recent years that have proven just how correct the writings of the Bible are.

We'll begin with the discussion of a man named Abraham. You remember him, don't you. He also was known as "Abram". In the book of Genesis there is reference to him living in a city called "Ur". (Genesis 11:31) It is described as a "great city" which would leave you to reason that it was a large city where many lived. However, many top people who research such matters stated their disbelief that this city ever existed. There wasn't anything recorded regarding it. Recent diggings uncovered ancient ruins of the city. They found remains of temples, homes and tombs of the King and Queen.

Further in the book of Genesis (15:20)there is a mention of a nation called Hittite. There were no known recordings of its existence outside of the Bible. Now years later there have been discoveries of Ancient Egyptian and Assyria records that show that the Hittite nation did absolutely exist. The records even show that it stood as a strong nation for almost seven centuries.

An ancient city of Egypt called Pithom has been uncovered. The bottom of these storehouses contain brick with straw on the bottom and bricks without straw on the top portions. This coincides with descriptions of how the Israelites were forced to make bricks in Exodus 1:11; 5:7.

They have discovered a mummy. Believed to be that of Meneptah II who is widely believed to be the Pharaoh recorded in the book of Exodus. There is a hymn written about him which mentions Israel. There is also an inscription that tells of the death of his young son. This could be the son that died during the last plague mentioned in Exodus 12:29.

In the book of Daniel it is recorded that a great city called Babylon fell. This has been questioned over the years because in Daniel it states that Beshazzar was the last ruler of that city. (Daniel 5:30). There had been no mention ever found in Babylonian records about a ruler named Belshazzar. Well that was until the year 1853. There were discoveries of ancient inscriptions that the last known King who was Nabonidus had a first-born child named Belshazzar. It further stated that this was his "favorite son" and that they ruled together. One inscription read "He freed his hand, he entrusted the kingship to him. Then he himself undertook a distant campaign.." This also answers the question of why the Bible stated that Daniel was the "third ruler in the Kingdom". Nabonidus and Belshazzar were the first two.

The findings go on and on that have been discovered to prove the facts of the Bible. They have located the land of Goshen, the city of Nineveh. They have found evidence to verify Shishak's account of his campaign against King Rehoboam. I could go on and on.

McCain Catches Giuliani

Bread and Circuses: "McCain Catches Giuliani

In the latest national poll, Sen. John McCain has caught up with former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani as the first choice of Republicans, with each garnering support among 25% of Republicans. Which is no real surprise, since Giuliani has spent the last several years cashing fat checks for giving speeches to corporate fat cats, while Senator McCain is trying to put an end to US government torture. One of them seems just a little more public service-oriented than the other. What’s perhaps more striking is that if Giuliani wisely elects not to run, McCain would be a big frontrunner, but in solid second place is...Newt Gingrich. Yes, you read that right. The disgraced former Speaker of the US House, who arranged to have President Clinton impeached for having sex with an intern while at the same time the Speaker was paying a woman he was having sex with (which would make her...?), is apparently regarded as a serious contender for the Republican nomination for President.

Republicans only believe in morality, apparently, when it comes to judging others' behavior."

Just me rambling

We are as ready as we can be this year for Christmas. I still have a few things to do. I'm not doing a lot this year for a number of reasons, one being I'm just not up to the hoopla this year . My granddaughter will be old enough this year to really have a blast and to get excited over the whole Christmas experience so I'm sure we'll get a lot of joy.

We have a lot to be thankful for this year. Things aren't all hunky doorie or anything but it could be much worse. I'm blessed in my private life and I have a lot of wonderful friends so life can't get much better than that. Everything else that isn't perfect in my life will get all worked out in due time. I'm certain of that because things just have a way of coming together if you have patience and faith. Sometimes things don't work out the way we'd planned or the way we've even imagined but in the end when all is said and done, usually it all works out for the best.

Sometimes we don't recognize what is best when it is happening to us because we just can't fathom how it will better our lives by going through troubled times. It is really hard to look forward when the present is in such shambles or when we are presently going through such a terrible ordeal. We tend to focus on the here and now during those difficult days. I guess this is a natural thing to do. I try so hard though to remain calm, have faith and give things time to sort themselves out.

I had a friend ask me once when we were talking about this and I stated comments to her similarly to what I've written here. She asked me if I thought that things worked out in the end or did I just accept the end result and thus it seems to have worked out. Gosh, this was a toughie because I really don't know the answer. Looking back in hindsight (as you know that is always 20/20) I think she may have a point. As a situation evolves our perceptions change so therefore at the end of the situation we are seeing things through different eyes and just may be ready to accept the outcome whatever it is.

Grown up?

When did you first realize you were grown up?
Write a story about what led up to that particular moment.

Gosh, I haven't had that revelation yet (giggle). I didn't know I was grown up, haha. Seriously though, I grew up quickly. I was forced to face life in a very adult world. I also got married young and soon had a son so I had to grow up at a very young age. So perhaps I felt that I was grown far before I really had matured to where I acted grown up. Well there are times I still don't act grown up. (grin). Oh there is nothing more fun then to let your hair down and act like a kid again.

Worst. President. Ever.

But don't take my word for it. Richard Reeves checks in with the experts...

The History News Network at George Mason University has just polled historians informally on the Bush record. Four hundred and fifteen, about a third of those contacted, answered -- maybe they were all crazed liberals -- making the project as unofficial as it was interesting. These were the results: 338 said they believed Bush was failing, while 77 said he was succeeding. Fifty said they thought he was the worst president ever. Worse than Buchanan.

Read entire article at Upper Left

A sad anniversary

Today is the 20th anniversary of the death of someone who meant everything to me. This person was my father. He taught me so much about life and made me feel so loved . Upon the passing of my father I felt as if my life would never be the same. It certainly hasn't. Just the absence of him from my life has changed who I am. On one hand it seems as if it has been forever since our eyes have met, since we've spoken, since we've hugged one another. On the other hand it seems like only yesterday when we last spoke, last hugged. On this day, I he knows somehow that I still remember him, I still miss him and I'll always love him. He made a difference in my life even though he was a part of it for a much shorter time than I would have preferred.

Why suffer in silence?

A person can have all the support in the world. A loving spouse, caring family members as well as attentive friends. However, even with all this support there are times that we still feel that our life is such a struggle. We know that we are more blessed than many, simply because we have such a great support structure. But, that doesn't take away from our own inner personal struggle with what is going on in our life. Someone else's pain seems so much greater than ours and we think how lucky we are, but in our hearts, our own pain, our suffering, our situation seems like it is just too much to bear.

We feel so torn by what we are going through and yet we feel guilty by having what we think of as negative emotions. We somehow think that simply because we have support or our health isn't as bad as someone else's or perhaps because we don't struggle to pay for health care, etc that we don't have the right to feel like we do. While trying to force ourselves to feel as though we are so blessed we actually feel like our life is a piece of dirt, something we wish we could sweep into a garbage pail and be done with. We think that because others have it worse than we do that we shouldn't feel emotionally devastated.

Why is this? Why do we beat ourselves up this way and think that we must suffer in silence simply because our life hasn't been torn to shreds in the same way other peoples lives have been torn? Perhaps if others knew the struggles we've endured they'd too wonder how we cope. Why are there people in this world who think that they are not worthy of admitting they are struggling?

Perhaps we did it to ourselves by always putting up that strong facade, always appearing to be "okay" and always putting forth the attitude that we are coping just fine. Suddenly we just don't think we can break down that wall and admit that we aren't coping well, that we aren't ok and that we too cry, we too hurt, we too have had enough. It isn't that we feel this way every moment of every day but we do have our moments of anguish and yet we keep them to ourselves and go on as if everything is fine. I don't understand why?

I do realize that In part I am this way because I don't want people to think that I am trying to focus attention onto me. I don't want to feel as though people may think I'm saying "Woe is me". I am also very uncomfortable with sharing personal comments to do with certain emotions I experience. I want other people to feel comfortable and share their inner emotions with me and I'm eager to be there to listen and comfort them but when I try to do the same thing and share my emotions when they're not necessarily happy ones then I feel like I can't do that.

Another part of the reason I'm this way is because I'm too stubborn to admit that I'm human and am not always the all happy wappy, chipper gal. The positive attitude that I often talk about is very real and true. I really do feel that way most of the time but I hesitate to share that I also fall apart at times, I also have times of emotional struggle. Why? This I must work to understand about myself. This is something I must figure out so I can find my inner self and feel at ease with my true emotions.